Back in the game?

So after my hot rendezvous in the park I was feeling a bit like I wanted something more than just dating. And I met someone...someone who lasted a whole 4 weeks, unheard of for me!

I got a message on the dating site asking "would you rather be invisible or invincible" and when I responded I added another would you rather question. And so me and this guy played would you rather for 10 days. It was fun to just play randomly rather than any of the usual hassle of "so...what do you do for fun" stuff and I enjoyed it. However, unsurprisingly there was a point where I could would you rather no more and so I told him that he won. And he asked me out for a coffee.

I didn't even know his name!

After coffee we went for a beer. After beer we went for dinner. One thing led to another and when I was saying good bye to him the next morning I felt like I really liked him.

We saw each other a couple of times a week for like a month but all good things must come to an end and I learnt that we got too serious too quickly. I knew that he had no boyfriend potential and wasn't what I was looking for but I went with it because I liked the idea of having someone.

Now it is stale and I need to tell him. I wish I could've told him two weeks ago but I didn't. I have been a bitch instead and have hoped that if I text and talk to him less he will get the message. I dislike myself for this.

However, I am now back in the world of online dating and hopeful that one day soon I will meet the right guy as I have learnt not to settle for the wrong one.

Despondent

Feel totally despondent with...well with life today. I think I'm just in a funny mood. I know after Tuesday I should be feeling sexy and naughty because it was exciting. But I think, well I think the reason I don't is because thats just not what I'm looking for anymore. And even this whole internet dating thing is becoming less exciting now because at first it was good attention and the wonder of not knowing who I might meet or where it might lead to but I think its time to realise that I want a cuddle. I want to go to climb into bed with someone after a long day and tell them the ups the downs, the highs the lows. And I don't have that now. And sometimes it sucks.

Late night walk in the park

I suppose if I'm giving an accurate account of my 'man' life then I need to include what happened last night after the date. Well I got back and I felt a bit fed up and was messing around online when I started to chatting to a guy.

This guy is the brother of J, who I was besotted with at the beginning of the year. We pulled at a party a few months back but when it started to get a bit 'heavy' I stopped it. Since then we have chatted virtually and sometimes things have got a little flirtatious.

So last night he was online and I started a convo and I could tell quite quickly that he was feeling a bit on the horny side and he soon asked if I fancied going to the park?! It was 1am.

I thought about it and decided the sensible thing to do was stay at home, get some sleep as I had work in the morning. So obviously I replied that I would definitely be up for it!

So he picked me up, we went for a late night walk in the park. It was really romantic actually. There was a full moon, it was peaceful and the stars were out. Well it would have been romantic had it not been so sordid. I knew we were going for one thing. And my oh my it was hot.

He's not going to be my boyfriend or anything, he goes to uni miles away and he's too young for anything like that. But still, it was good!

Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit.....

I'm a talker and I know it. I like to talk. A lot. I know that this isn't always the best 'quality' to have but thats the way it is. I always know if someone is talking and I find myself being quiey for a long time then they talk...a lot more than I do.

I felt really nervous before tonights date because I didnt know much about the guy and I felt as though he didnt know much about me and so wasn't sure what would happen. However, I met with him and he looked ok. Better looking than I expected and seemed normal. And then he started talking...and he carried on....and he carried on....and he carried on.

In the end I had to ask him if he realised that he hadn't let me get a word in edgeways. I asked him what he had learnt about me and he relayed the one chunk of speech practically word for word that I had had with him earlier. At least he was listening in that time.

His reply to my harshness was just that he was nervous, and sorry.

He also kept popping out for cigarettes, and answered the phone while he was with me. He said it was his mate who when he answered the phone said "she must be a right minger if shes going out with you"

I'm going to give up!

Date tomorrow

Last week I started speaking to this guy on plentyoffish.com or he started talking to me rather. I was up late, I think I had been out drinking actually and he popped up the IM. He was ok to chat to but because it was late and I quite enjoy talking to strangers online I just went with it but the next day I had an email from him saying he'd like to talk to me again.

I can't remember much about this initial convo with him other than that he said he is sick of time wasters and that he likes some musician guy whose name I can't remember. Since this convo though he has been well keen and wants to meet up with me. I feel totally freaked out as I don't know what it is about me that he likes, in fact I rather suspect it is based on the fact I am female (and so will do!) and that my profile pic on this dating site is very pretty (even if I do say so myself).

He has emailed and texted and has been very keen. It makes me feel weird to be persued in such a way. Infact it really freaks me out. He has asked me to meet him for a beer tomorrow. I have said yes because I have nothing to lose but I can't help but think that as soon as he sees me he will lose interest. I am not sure how this will make me feel. Relieved because being persued it scary? Or disappointed because that won't be happening anymore? Or smug because I will have been proven right because this guy was only interested on a superficial level. I am not sure but I feel really weird about the whole thing which isn't really like me. We will see what happens tomorrow I guess.

Online Dating Guy Number 1

When I joined an internet dating site I promised my friends that I would give everyone a fair chance, rather than dismissing people for being too short, too old, having too big a head...you get the picture. And so I have been doing just that.

Also when I first joined internet dating I trawled through profiles sending "winks" and composing what I thought would be interesting emails that would render me irresistable to the opposite sex. This was not the case, it would seem even internet men are still managing to resist my lovely self.

The first guy that got in touch with me seemed ok, he wasn't too bad looking and sent nice polite messages and seemed to be interested in my life whilst still offering lots of information about himself. However there wasn't anything exciting about him. Not at all. And so when he asked to meet up I wasn't overly enthused, however decided to go for it in line with my promise to my friends and also because he seemed so friendly that he deserved a drink and neither of us had anything to lose from it, we could be friends even if the worst came to the worst.

So I met up with him one Sunday afternoon. He doesnt live in the same city as me and so I met him at the train station and took him to a bar where I felt comfortable and that was close to the bar I work in. This has now become my first date bar.

When I first met him I thought he seemed a little odd and knew that he definitely wouldn't be for me. I wasn't attracted to him in the slightest. As we were talking he seemed nice enough, but way to serious and he just didnt't seem to have much in common with me at all.

So to cut a long story short he eventually told me that he has Asbergers syndrome. For those who are unfamiliar people with this condition find social situations very awkward and find making eye contact difficult. He also told me that he has a lot of anger management issues. I felt really bad for thinking it at the time but I felt as though this was further evidence that he wasn't for me as I thought I couldn't take this on. But then I didn't know how to leave the situation, especially when he said that he felt more comfortable with me than most new people he meets. Urgh, cringe!

He didn't text me for a week after we went on our date which made me feel very relieved as I wasn't sure how I would say that I didn't think we were suited. When he did text tho he just asked how I was and said that he was sorry he hadn't been in touch. I didn't deliberately ignore him but I was really busy and didn't text him back. So then next day I'm getting an arsey message saying he can tell he has obviously offended me and that he's a nice guy and deserves to know what he has done wrong. If I hadn't been already sure he wasn't for me then that would've sealed the deal!

June 2010 - Online Dating!

Yes, I have decided to take control of my love life and give online dating a try!

People have been telling me for years to give it a go and I wasn't convinced, I thought "no way...I'm not *that* desperate yet". Anyway, it turns out, I am.

I just figured that I knew loads of people who had met online and it had worked for them. And they were in love. And happy. And unashamed. I wanted a piece of that!

So there I was, ready to pay my £60 fee for 3 months of internet dating and fun, very excited and convinced that all I would find is good, honest people, who like me were struggling to find the right person for them. This is not what I have found. What I have found instead is a seedy and sordid, scandalous place for sex hook-ups...or marriage proposals.

My next few posts will outline where I am at with the situation so far....

Back with vengeance!

I know..I have been neglectful of the old blog for a while again...I know that I could be doing better and this time I will be. You see the problem before was that there was never anything to write because I was never meeting anyone and I had a ridiculous obsession with a knob-head. Its ok, that particular knob-head is behind me now, I am sooo over that. Anyway, I decided to take my love life into my own hands and whilst I was off uni for the summer give internet dating a try. I have also decided that it probably wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I used this blog for blogging about other aspects of my life and so here goes.....

Blogging on...

I haven’t forgotton about my blog although I do realise I have been neglecting it. The reason I haven’t blogged for so long is partly because I have been busy with studies and work and partly because I have found my love (or lack of love) life so depressing I haven’t been inspired to write. I shall catch you up though with the very little that has been going on.
Starting with M, I haven’t heard from him for months and so I think it is safe to say he is finally out of my life forever. Its for the best really, I never really liked him – it was what it was.
W. Well we have been getting on fairly well as friends which makes a change. There have been a few occasions over the last couple of months where W clearly wanted sex and called me in the middle of the night when he was out drunk. I have been very proud of myself for declining these offers though. The last time I gave him to him when he was drunk and I wasn’t it just wasn’t worth it. I felt crap about myself and the sex was rubbish. I have learnt from that mistake.
Unfortunately there have been times over the last few months where I have been tipsy enough to suggest sex to W. He also declined. Ego was partially bruised but such is the way of things with myself and W.
I was really brave two weeks ago and actually put myself out there and asked for a favour from W. I regretted it. It was one of my best friends weddings, something that I have been looking forward to for well over a year and I had held off asking any of my friends under the belief that I might actually meet a guy I liked before the wedding. Well I didn’t. And I didn’t have a date. So I asked W. He said he’d think about it and then he declined. I actually gave him that satisfaction when I should have known better. He did kindly ring me 19 times the night before the wedding too and I have no idea why. He was still calling me at 4:50 am! Loser. I will tell you more about the wedding tomorrow.
As for J – the biggest hugest crush ever since I split with my ex...well I’m over it. I can’t actually believe it but I am. I’m as shocked as you are as I didn’t think I’d see the day. Basically it all came to a head one night when I asked to talk to him and explained that I’d had a crush on him and he didn’t say anything. I think sometimes you need that actual certain confirmation. We then had a really good chat for about 4 hours about all sorts of stuff and I felt like I did kinda bond with him but it was like in a different way. He said a couple of strange things that night though that have stayed with me. The first is that he said he thinks that I’m one of the prettiest people he has met and that I have an almost perfect face....and that if I lost 10lbs then I’d be stunning. .... I still don’t know what to make of it even now. Talk about a backhanded compliment.
The other strange thing he said was that his 19 year old brother stalks me on facebook. I don’t know what to make of that either but there is more on his brother later on. Seriously though that is weird isn’t it? Who stalks people they haven’t met and then tell their brother?
Anyway, back to J. So following this discussion I began to see him in a totally different light and I’m not sure why. Now he has a girlfriend and I’m not even slightly jealous. I’m just over it.

Valentines Day makes me sad

Happy Valentines day fellow singletons out there!!

This day makes me miserable. So miserable in fact that the only reason I have left my bed today has been to get some crap to eat from the shop. And by crap I mean crisps and chocolate obviously, good crap that has made me feel sick so that now I can concentrate on the tummy ache I have rather than the fact I have received zilch by way of valentines attention.

I have been meaning to update this blog for a few days now as I have had a bit of news regarding all three of the men that are currently 'not' in my life at the moment.

We'll start with M, the guy that I slept with 5 months ago but haven't actually seen since. Every time I think that I'll never see him again he gets in touch. Its really strange. Anyway, last monday, around 1am I got a text saying "Hello are you out tonight? Fancy a shag?" Haha, how lovely! I like that he is straight to the point though, out of all the men I have known recently he is the only one that I am 100% sure of where I stand with him. I like that. I told him I was already in bed but had not been feeling well that day and so didn't think it was the best idea but maybe another night and he just text back, "yeh, giz a text".
I thought about it the next day and my friends said that they thought I should get in touch with him as some sex would do me good. They are probably right but I really don't know how to just ask for sex and it would make me feel a bit cheap. I know that I'm not the most attractive girl in the world but I'm also not the least and so surely I don't need to ask for sex?
This didn't stop me from thinking about texting him all day tuesday and wednesday though. I decided against it. However, I woke up in the middle of the night on wednesday and there was a text from him saying "how about tonight then? :P" I didn't reply until the morning when I said sorry, I had been aslepp but what was he up to that night. This was me putting myself out there, I thought if I asked him what he was up to then that would lead into me telling him I was free and therefore available for some casual sex. Did he reply? Did he bollocks! So, I don't know when I'll hear from him again but I know that I definitly will hear from him again.

The next one is of course W. I know that I have been promising to tell you more about W for a long time and so I'll try and do it briefly now. He was my high school boyfriend. My first kiss, my first love and of course the first boy that I slept with. We always had a fairly explosive relationship though. We irritate the hell out of each other and that never changes. We were together through school (on and off) but then in college we decided that we should definitely not be together and he went to a different college to me and we tried to get on with our lives and make new friends as we remained friends with each other. Not long into this I met N, the boy who was to be the second person I fell in love with. As soon as I met N I told him that I had a best friend called W who was also an ex and introduced them to each other. Perhaps obviously, they didn't get on with each other. They hated each other. W started to tell me he had made a huge mistake, that he'd always loved me and begged me to stop seeing N. At the time I saw this as a turning point in my life; I could either continue to let W rule my life and do exactly what he wanted or I could give the new guy a chance and see where that led. I stuck with N and ended up being with him for the next five years. I gradually lost touch with W as it was impossible for us to be friends with each other in that situation.
Around 6 months after splitting with N I got a message on Myspace (remember myspace?) from W asking how I was - it was so out of the blue, I hadn't seen or heard from him in around 3 years. We exchanged a few messages and then ended up going for a drink and to cut a long story short we became friends again and now its three years on from that. It has been an up and down three years though as we still care a lot for each other, are still attracted to each other and still irritate the hell out of each other. We do still sleep together on occasion, and last night I slept with him for the second time so far this year.

Since new year I havent really seen him, apart from the other week, I bumped into him in a bar and it was fairly awkward. So, the other day I got a text from him asking if I fancied meeting for a quick drink when we both finished work and I have been thinking about texting him myself anyway and so thought, yeah why not. We went out, actually caught up properly for a change and it was really nice. I was cross with myself though because after a couple of drinks I asked if he wanted to come back to mine and he said no! I felt stupid. Rejection is embarrassing. He did say that he was out over the weekend though and that he hoped to see me. So yesterday, I was working in the bar and I didnt finish until 4 but when I got my phone at the end he called twice and texted to ask if I wanted to meet up. I text him back telling him sorry but I'd been working and that I hoped he'd had a good night. He rang me back saying he was still up and did I want a visit. I said yes. We did sleep together and it wasn't really worth it to be honest but in the back of my head I was thinking that the next day was valentines day and wouldn't it be nice to wake up with somebody and have a chat in bed rather than alone as usual. Well, I woke up - after only being asleep for 2 hours and he jumped out of bed and said he needed to go as he was busy today! So I didnt get what I wanted anyway. It was probably naive of me to think that I'd be able to spend a nice valentines day morning curled up in bed with a guy. You must read this and think that I'm an idiot. Its ok, I know that I'm an idiot.

So this leaves J doesn't it? Well a few of weeks ago, as I said at the time, I bumped into him and didn't really feel anything. It was still awkward though and that annoyed me. We do still have to work together and it bugs me that before christmas and the kiss he used to actually kiss my arse, he was always telling me how special, beautiful, amazing I was and now I get nothing. I decided I should try to make friends with him again to try and wipe out this awkwardness. He is always on facebook on an evening and so after thinking about it for a few days/hours, I tried to initiate a conversation on facebook chat. I just said, hi, hows things, we havent spoken in ages. I got no reply! (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I felt a bit upset and disappointed as I thought again that I had put myself out there and had been ignored.

Around three days after that I saw him again. I was at work waiting for my friend Alice to finish as we were going for a drink and he was the member of staff coming to relieve her. He walked in looking hotter than ever, bloody typical! He was wearing glasses and I've never seen him wearing glasses before, he looked really fucking good! He walks in anyway and gave a girl at the bar who used to work there a big hug, and then the manager, and then spoke to them two for five minutes. I was only sat maybe 2 metres from them all but he said nothing to me at all until he got behind the bar when he came over and said that I'd tried talking to him on facebook when he was asleep. I tried to cover up my embarrassment by saying I just hadnt seen him in a while and so had wondered how he was. He asked me how I was and commented on something I'd mentioned in a facebook status, thereby revealing that he pays attention to what I put in my updates and that was it. I left with Alice and myself and J had at least spoken more than we had done since the kiss but it was still deffo awkward.

Five days later we were finally working a shift together, something that hasn't happened since christmas. As I walked past him he had his arm in the air to high five me. This annoyed me! It was as though he had finially decided that he was ready to be my friend again and quit being awkward and dick-like. I just asked him what his arm was doing in the air and he grabbed me, hugged me and told me he thought my hai$r looked nice. (I've recently coloured it from brown to red). I told him that I'd done it to cheer myself up but he commented that he thought I was doing really well at the moment and said he knows this because he "incessantly stalks me on facebook". WTF?? I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that but I just walked away. Later on I realised perhaps I'd been a bit harsh and so tried to be nicer to him. I asked him if things with him were ok and he said yeah and then I mentioned that perhaps we need to re-establish our friendship and that we should do something fun one night. He agreed straight away and said we should go bowling and he said that he would let me know a night.

The next night he was in work drinking and said that he would like to go bowling the following monday and so I said that was perfect. Monday came, did I hear from him?? Did I buggery!! Tuesday I popped in work for a quick drink and he was there. Clearly we both knew that we'd agreed to go bowling and that it hadn't happened and so I thought that we could either be awkward with each other for another two weeks or I could confront him about it. I confronted him. I told him he was rubbish and he denied arranging Monday but said we could do something the next day. Wednesday came, I never heard from him and then I called him. No answer! I know his phone is broken so there wasnt a point texting him but thought he'd ring me back. He didnt. What a loser! I don't know why he doesnt want to be my friend!! I have decided to force him to be my friend and on thursday went to work to see him and tell him again he's rubbish but that I had decided to stalk him until he's my friend again. He laughed and said he was glad I'd gone to see him and to be honest I felt a lot more comfortable with him after just speaking to him normally. I think I'll continue to do this and see where it gets me. I know I sound like a loser, and a stalker. I do still like him though. Fuck knows why.

News....

Went out on Friday night and finally kissed a new boy :) And when I say boy, I mean boy. He was 6 years younger than me :s

He was quite good looking though but to be fair I didnt really fancy him and knew it wouldn't lead to anything.

Was out with a friend and we were ambushed, it was quite funny really. We went out just the two of us for a girly catch up which was nice and then towards the end of the night two guys came over and sat next to us as though they were just minding their own business and then one of them turns to me and says that him and his friend had been having a debate - his mates girlfriend had recently bought a new dress but it didnt look good on her, should he tell her? Apparently this is a true story but it was obvious they just wanted to talk to us. As I was engaged in conversation a third guy sat down right opposite my mate, obviously wanting to talk to her, and there we were - ambushed by three young men! It was sweet really.

Although the cutest one of the three had a girlfriend, the one next to me despite being beautiful was really arrogant and the third was after my mate (who has a boyfriend). Anyway, we all chatted politely and then it came to home time. Realised the lads lived really close to me and so asked them to walk me home as it was practically on their way. They agreed. Note, I wouldnt usually let strange boys walk me home but they'd been quite genuine and I trusted my instincts. Plus, I really didnt want to draw another tenner out of the bank.

So on the way home, the other lads ended up ahead of me and so it was just the beautiful arrogant one left. It turns out he was quite sweet deep down really, we were talking about pulling and being single and he was saying that he didnt want his mates to think he was a fanny but really he didnt want to sleep with girls that he didnt think something of any more than I wanted to sleep with randomers. Whether this was a line or not I dont know but I took him as being serious. However then he said to me that it was obvious him and his mates had only come over to talk to my mate and not me and did it ever get me down that my mate was clearly fitter than me.

Now, I know thats probably going to sound shocking but he actually hit the nail on the head. This has been the story of my life. Boys coming over to chat my mate up rather than me. And that isnt just me feeling sorry for myself, it is actually true. I think it is just because she is better looking than me, rather than it being a reflection of my own looks because I never fare badly for attention when I'm out with different people. Anyway, then we were talking he told me he thought I was cool, he took me home and then we said bye. He turned around after he'd started walking away though and said that he should at least get a kiss goodbye and so we had a bit of a hasty snog in the middle of the road. He wasn't a good kisser but not to worry, I wasn't going to see him again.

So thats that. Ok, not the best story in the world but at least its some news, things have been a bit bleak on the man gossip front of late and so it was nice to actually talk to someone different.

With regards to J, well I still havent seen him and so theres nothing to report but I know that I still really like him as I still think about him a lot. I sort of swing from feeling like I'm pleased I don't see him anymore as thats the best thing for me to still wanting to tell him that he led me on and was unfair, to then wanting to at least establish some sort of friendship with the guy again - cos I did think we were friends. But maybe not hey?

A good sign?

Saw J for the first time in 2 weeks and didnt really feel anything. We barely spoke again which made me think that he is definitley a twat but I never thought 'phwoar' or anything, or want to engage in conversation with him. At least I thought I didnt. When I left the bar I just thought maybe I should get over it, send him a message saying something along the lines of "long time no see" and try arrange a meet up but then thought maybe I should just stay cold turkey??

Other than that I really have nothing else to say as have not real social life to speak of at the moment and never see any guys. As soon as I have something worth saying on the romance front you will be the first to know! :)

Yawn yawn yawn!

I know that I probably shouldn't post when I have nothing to say but I still cant help myself.

There is still no news on the man front in any way, shape or form.

However, went on a work night out yesterday which was good (J and L were both working so didn't have to worry about any awkwardness in that department) and somehow a conversation started with one of the guys from work about being single and he said that if I've been single for three and a half years then it must be my own choice?!? Err....as if!!

Where the hell do people get this idea from that if your single for any length of time then the only possible explanation can be because you want to be?

How about we try that I never meet anyone, nobody ever asks me out and on the rare occasions I do find someone that I quite fancy the feelings are not mutual??

So then I explained this to the guy and he said "hmm...do you ever think that you are unapproachable?" to which I reposnded "Are you trying to say I'm unapproachable" to which he responded..."well yeah".

I was shocked! And a bit upset to be honest. I've always considered myself a very friendly and open person and always talk to everyone. I definitly do not think I'm unapproachable. But then if a guy thinks I am then maybe he's right?

Nothing to report

So nothing has happened in the last few days - man wise I mean, its not that I have a sad an empty life, contrary to what this blog might suggest but I won't bore you with the ins and outs of my life, this blog is for my love life alone.

I have no love life.


Which probably means I shouldn't be writing anything at all.

However, I shall plod along. I went out with some girls the other night, unsurprisingly we did not meet or chat to any men. We were way too wasted for that. We were probably the losers you avoid due to all the drunken staggering and crazy dancing. Not to mention the vomitting. That wasn't me by the way.

I was talking to Alice yesterday and said I was surprised I'd not heard from W this week but then two hours later he text asking if I was out. He'll keep doing this now for the next few weeks until I give in and see him or shout at him and tell him to leave me alone. Then there'll be a three month gap and the cycle will start again. I do want to be his friend though, I just wish that he would at least just call and say 'hi' and ask how things are.

Not heard anything from M either which is strange. Its like a week since he text me and I really thought he would have been in touch. Maybe next week?

Not really been in work much this week and so havent seen J which is doing my sanity the world of good. I am barely thinking about him. Ok, well that might not be true, but I am hardly obsessive at the moment and I do think I feel quite chilled about it which proves that if I didnt work with him I would easily get over it. I am a little worried about saturday though because our shifts are overlapping, well he finishes when I start so I'll definitley see him. I know that we will probably just say hi to each other in passing and then he'll leave but I think even that will be enough to upset me/stress me out. Ah well, I'll deal with it when it happens and then I can go back to forgetting about him.

No gossip

I have nothing new to report but still felt obliged to post.

Have heard nothing from W, M never did add me on facebook or text me again?

And as for J, well I'm still using my plan of not going into work incase I bump into him cos if I don't see him then he can't mess with my head.

The only real news I do have tonight is that I made egg fried rice for the first time today and was surprised at how nice it was. However, next time I think I'll use more egg.

Feeling good

Hey, so today I'm feeling much better and even have a new bit of man gossip that...shock horror!....doesnt involve J!

Well, this wouldnt really be a proper Ruby blog post if I didnt mention J now would it? So lets get that out of the way first!

I am feeling pretty good about him today. I think that if my friend is right and he does def know that I like him then he definitely definitely is a dick. Without a doubt. And if it really is that obvious to everyone that I like him then I need to chill out a bit round him and be cooler. But I dont feel stressed and I'm putting that down to the fact I havent seen him for a few days and so he hasn't been able to screw with my head. I checked the rota for the next week too and none of our shifts overlap which is great because I wont see him next week either.

Ok, moving on. I told you that W text me the other night, well he text me last night too! He just wanted to see if I was out and I told him no because I was working and I do find it annoying that he doesnt even ask how I am but hey, in a way its nice to know that he's thinking of me but pfft...I'm not interested.

Also, I got another text last night from a guy! I was really surprised. He's called M and he was the first guy that I ever met in a club and brought back with me for a one night stand. I have always sort of thought I wasn't that kind of girl but in September I met him and I just thought, fuck it, why shouldnt I have some fun? It wasn't my first one night stand, obviously but it was the first time it was with someone who I had literally just met or that wasn't a friend of a friend.

After the 'one night stand' we met up a few weeks later and did it again and then there were a few incidences where we were texting but then never actually met up. Then I met J, fell for him, and thought the last thing I wanted to do was have meaningless sex with somebody else, I didnt think it would make me feel any better about myself or the situation. So, the next few times M called I ignored him and text saying I wasn't interested in meeting up. This was probably in the beginning or mid December? I was quite rude to him though and I really didn't think that I'd hear from him again. When he text yesterday I was really surprised! It was a sweet text too, asked how I was, how my xmas was and that he had never caught my last name to add me on facebook. This was the thing about M actually. He always was quite sweet without it being sappy or sleazy. It was just that at the time we didnt really know each other or want anything from it. I still wouldn't want anything from him but its nice to know that even after all this time he is still thinking about me. And, that even if J doesnt want me, W and M clearly think I'm attractive so its not like I'm without options. This has been an ego boost.

Oh and me and a friend have organised a night out on friday so we can look pretty and dress up and dance, but we're going to go to a gay bar so we have no male distractions. Something to look forward to hey?

Bored

I'm bored of talking about J and thinking about J. I'm sure your bored of hearing about him too.

A friend has just been around and she seems to think that there is something there between us but said that just incase I really need to protect myself from getting hurt and be a bit more chilled about it all and so I'm going to focus on being a sane person again; talking and thinking about him less and then hopefully I'll move on. Especially because I know deep down that I am too good for him.

W, the ex from new year text me last night cos he was out and drunk and wanted to hook up. I couldnt be bothered. He text me already tonight asking if I'm going out for a friends birthday night out and I'm not. I really don't know what his sudden interest is, prior to new year I hadn't heard from him for like 2 months. Anyway, I really can't be bothered to talk about him right now. I want to put my party face on and get ready for work. If I look beautiful on the outside it might help me feel beautiful on the inside.

Put him out of your mind....

.....This is what all my friends keep telling me to do. I know they're right because theres nothing I can do to solve the situation and its just getting me down but its not really easy to not think about someone is it?

I still feel annoyed with him, and I dont want to think about him but I really can't help it. What makes it worse is that every friend that I speak to has a different view on the situation and so I convince myself of one thing and then someone says something that contradicts it and Im thinking something else again. Argh!

A friend text me this morning and she said that she'd been speaking to her boyfriend about it all and he said that he doesnt think that J would kiss me the way he did unless he actually liked me. However he also said that this doesnt mean J doesnt like L. Confusing eh?

I just feel like last night he must've been trying to prove a point by not talking to me, to make sure I didnt get the 'wrong idea' about a drunken snog. Orrrrrr he just actually felt awkward too and doesnt know what to do next either?? Except for the fact that boys dont think that way do they?

No, I was right the first time. He knows that he shouldnt have kissed me but because he's a boy he feels the only way to make sure I know where I stand is not to talk to me until I get the idea.

So, now I just need to wait until I get over it. It helps that I think he's a twat now.

Apart from the fact I don't think he's a twat bviously. Well I kind of do but I just don't want to believe it. It means that every conversation we have had hasn't been genuine and that he really has been playing me and I seriously thought that he was a genuinely lovely guy. But then I guess how many genuinely guys are there out there? Not many!

Sorry, I do realise that this is the most boring blog ever. But thats ok because nobody reads it and it does help me to organise my thoughts.

Ugh

There was a staff meeting at work tonight and I knew J was going to be there which was sucky, I knew that I just had to go in, be normal and cool and act as though nothing had happened and I'd be ok. The worry was that despite knowing this, I would freak out upon seeing him and get all nervous and awkward. Luckily that did not happen; he however barely spoke to me. Bloody twat.

So I walked in and he was like "Hi Rub's" (I hate that variation on my name btw!) and then I asked him if he was ok and he just wouldn't engage in conversation. Not that I pushed it like but at least I tried. Anyway; after the meeting everyone had a quick drink together in the bar and he didn't come over or anything. Considering he is usually telling me how beautiful I am/amazing I am/how much he loves me I thought this was weird, especially seeing as spent his time talking to someone I know for a fact does his head in. The worst part is that despite him not being his usual self with me, he didnt actually completely ignore me so its not even as though I can pull him up on it. The result is that the knob has clearly made me feel really down and rubbish about myself. I really wish I didnt like him and that I don't have to work with him. Seeing him and hearing about him all the damn time does not help me to move on.


Oh, one last thing. I was talking to a girl from work about the whole situation today and she was convinced he knows that I like him. Thats really bad. The way she said it, it seemed like she knew for a fact that somebody had told him (maybe even she had?). That just makes everything worse, if he def knows that I like him then he has no right whatsoever saying the things he does and definitely no right kissing me. See; he's a prick and I deserve better.

No progress...

Hey, so I went to a party tonight knowing that L was going to be there so that I could hopefully get a chance to talk to her about J and see where we both stand on the situation but she turned up around three hours later than I did and she was really drunk and so that never happened. Gah! I want this to be over now. I dont want to like him. I dont want to care about whats going on with him and L; infact I really dont care whether I see him again or not, it would be easier if I didnt!!

...although we all know that isnt the case. I do like him, and I have to see him again. And L too and I'm not even one fucking inch closer to knowing where I stand with either of them.

I guess one good thing did come of tonight and that was the "top five" conversation, you know.... whos your top five at work?? And anyway, I know that Im not the most attractive girl at work but we were talking about it and I was saying "well I know that I'm not in anyones top five but..." and then one of the lads jumped in with "yeah whatever...what about J?" and when I asked what he was talking about he said "well you know, you and J at New Year....."

If I'm honest, I really dont know what happened with me and J at New Year that has sparked these rumours...certainly nothing that I can remember. Other than J being his usual charming bastard self but thats what he does with everyone. However, the guy at the party is the second to ask what was going on with me and J at New Year so maybe theres something I've forgotten? Or maybe its a perfect example of how rumours can be spread at work with no real truth to them? Meaning that perhaps there isnt anything going on with J and L after all??

Ugh...this is exhausting! I'm getting bored of it which means that you must be too! Sorry.

Still confused

I'm still confused about this kiss with J the other night. I wish I could be more laid back and just not think about it but as much as I tell myself not to worry about it, it just makes it worse. My friend, Alice, said that I should just view it as a drunken snog that didnt mean anything and move on. If only it were that easy hey?

I was thinking earlier though, surely the ideal situation we're all waiting for is the time you meet a guy, decide you like him, flirt a bit, the flirting builds up and then eventually you kiss and its exciting and amazing because thats what you've been waiting for!? Why can't I just be pleased and see what pans out next?

Well, I think its because of the L factor. Especially seeing as L is a friend and we both know that we both like him. And of course the many many rumours that have been going around work about J and L. Talking to some of my girlfriends tonight they seem to think that I just need to sit down and lay my cards on the table with L because I would want her to be honest with me, and then we'll both know where we both stand. I think they're right but thats going to be a horrible conversation.

Both my friends tonight seem to think that he could be a player. I wish I didnt like him. Life is so much easier when you dont like someone. I guess I cant help my feelings though hey?

Ok so he kissed me, but is it really a big deal?

Ok, I have calmed down and sobered up now and can explain more about what happened last night.

Well it was the night out and J and L didnt turn up until the last hour because they'd been at work but when J got there he was his usual charming self, he bought me a drink and we chatted briefly about our nights then I spent a bit of time talking to L because I feel as though since we both realised that we both like J we haven't been as close. So after about an hour the bar we were in closed and seeing as it was 3am we realised that we had to go home. Quite a few were all staying at our staff house and it looked to me as though I should just get a cab home by myself but J adament that I wasn't getting in a cab on my own and flagged one down for us and said we'd share. In the cab I thanked him and he said that of course he wasnt gonna let me go home by myself and that I was one of the people that he loved most at work. I reminded him that he likes everyone, yes he's one of those charming guys that is like best mates with everybody. He agreed that he did like everyone but said that I was different and that even his Mum, who I havent met, loved me?!?

At this point I was starting to get a bit annoyed because this is a typical example of this charm and cheesey lines, he says this sort of thing all the time and because I like him it screws with my head. I know he only says it to be nice but I do think its a bit misleading. I told him he shouldn't be saying things like that, and he was like yeah but my Mum does love you, she's always asking how you are and if I've seen you at work. I reminded him that we don't actually ever work together and again started to tell him that I think he leads me on but then I realised I was too drunk to be able to articulate what I wanted to say properly in the time I had and so told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation at that time but that he shouldn't be saying that sort of thing. Then the taxi pulled up outside my house, he asked when I was next in work and then we both leaned in to kiss goodbye (we have kissed on the lips before to say goodbye) but then it was an actual proper kiss, with tongues and everything!! I couldn't believe it!! He was a good kisser actually but I really wish I hadn't had that horrible dry gross mouth thing that happens when you've been out drinking :s

Then that was that, it wasn't a long kiss but it was long enough, I opened my door and started freaking out and he got his taxi home. I havent heard from him since but then I'm not sure why I would've done. And now I don't know what to do or what to make of it??

We were both drunk, but he was coherent, its not like he was wasted. But what if he just kisses lots of girls and really doesnt see it as a big deal? What I'm most scared of is that I might have been drunker than I realised and that I inadvertently forced myself on him and he kissed me because it would have been ruder to push me away?? Shit. If thats the case then thats quite bad. What if he tasted my grotty drunk mouth? Shit. That would be bad too.

I have spent most of today thinking about it (obviously) and I have convinced myself that he couldnt have possibly kissed me just because he liked me. I'm not sure why though. Well I guess I do know why...things like that just don't happen to me. It has actually been a matter of years since I've been in the situation where I really like a guy and I've wanted them to kiss me..and then its happened. I have fancied the pants of J since the moment I saw him and the more I have got to know him the more I've liked him. Surely it couldn't be possible that he would actually like me too?? Could it?

Freaking Out!!!

This is exactly the reason I need a blog!!! I am totally freaking out!!! J just kissed me!!! As in it was an actual kiss!! a real fucking snog!!! I cannot believe it. And I have nobody to talk to. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!

He said his mum loved me. THen I got out of the taxi and that was it. What the fuck. I dont even know what to say. shit. Maybe I should talk rationally tomorrow.

Ugh. Argh!!! Argh!!!! Boo!!!

3rd of Jan....still no man gossip!

Ok, I didnt really expect to have found the man of my dreams so early in the year, especially seeing as I've only left the house to go to work but a girl can hope eh?

Saw J at work briefly last night and even that was enough to make me feel a bit fluttery inside. I realise that I sound like a lunatic but its just not that easy to get over someone even when you want to. One of my good friends seems to think that a good way to deal with it will be to just tell him that I like him and then he can give me a straight answer and I can move on. Also he would perhaps stop flirting so much. I really dont think that I can face that conversation though...ewww....cringe!!

Theres a staff night out tonight with work so I'm hoping that will be good. I plan to get dolled up and feel fabulous and enjoy myself. J wont be there as he's working but he's on shift with L :( Anyway, its prob a good thing that neither of them are there as I wont be watching them wherever they are and I can just get on and enjoy my night. That or I'll stand there all night wondering if they'll show up once work has closed. Grr, I hate being a mental female! I'll just enjoy my night for a change eh??

Ok, so I suppose I should give you a bit of back story. I've been single since October 2006, and I'd been with the guy for 5 years so it was pretty tough going to get over him. However it was for the best and I know that I definitley learnt things from the relationship and I feel like I am stronger and more self aware for it.

Since then I've not really had much interest from guys. Ok, well not serious interest anyway. There doesnt seem to be a shortage of men that would like to take me home from nightclubs (not that I let them!) but nobody actually wants to take me out, get to know me better etc etc.

I am usually pretty picky...I have a list and everything...but its not often that I meet anyone that comes close. I guess I do meet lots of guys, well I work in a bar so its inevitable, however theres never really any quality to the guys that I do meet - I hope that doesnt sound pretentious because I promise you that I'm not. So, yeah I meet guys but I very rarely meet anyone I'm interested in. Sometimes I meet guys that I fancy but I know that I wouldn't want to get in a relationship with them...not that that makes a difference though because they never want to know anyway.

I needed to write about how picky I am because then you'll understand how its quite strange for me to actually really like someone. I like someone. We'll call him J. Its a guy from work and I am quite nutsy about him at the moment, and he doesnt even meet all the things on my list! When I first met him I actually thought that he might like me too but to cut a long story short (for now) he doesnt and now apparently has a something going on with a good friend of mine. What that is though I'm not sure as I darent ask my friend, L, about it. So, thats getting me down. I'm really hoping soon that this crush on J will fizzle out.

Last night I was working, so J was there, he is one of those charming guys that like to make every girl feel special (how annoying) so he was feeding me all his lines and that just got me on a bit of a downer and so when an ex (from years ago) called me for a booty call I decided that it was probably best to go home with someone rather than no-one, what with it being NYE and all, and so stupidly and drunkenly let him come over. The ex in question, W, is a very complicated ex and so I'll save all that for another time.

So anyways, thats where I am at the moment. I woke up this morning feeling down about J still, not really feeling anything about W and have spent the entire day moping around the house with not a lot to do and not really knowing how to organise my thoughts. I did call my friend, Alice, earlier and to be honest she never indulges me when I'm moping about J and she basically told me to ride it out as I'm bound to be over it in a few months.

Thats where I'm up to at the moment anyway. Its new years day and I've just sat in the house on my own, in my PJ's all day and done nothing but think about boys following a night of sex with an ex (urgh, I must sound like a dreadful tart). The year can only improve from this point man-wise eh?

Happy 2010...will I meet the man of my dreams this year?

So, here goes, the start of another year hey? Every year I wonder if this will be the one in which I meet the man of my dreams and will be whisked off my feet and treat like a princess by the guy that I am completely and utterly in love with forever more. However, so far this has not been the case. Maybe in 2010 eh?

I have decided to keep a blog on the ups and downs of my single life to have an outlet really because I think I drive my friends mad as I'm one of those who just cant keep my feelings in, I need to vocalise everything and understandably those around me get sick of hearing it.

Also, I think it will help to keep myself grounded; if I'm writing everything down then surely I will realise how ridiculous and irrational I sound when I am trying to convince myself that a guy I like actually likes me...or when I'm making excuses for why a guy hasn't called etc...you get the picture.

Anyway, thats the gist of why I'm doing this. I'm not trying to be funny or original (probably a good thing seeing as its doubtful anyone will read it) I'm doing it for myself more than anything so here goes nothing....wish me luck...the man of my dreams could be in 2010!!