Valentines Day makes me sad

Happy Valentines day fellow singletons out there!!

This day makes me miserable. So miserable in fact that the only reason I have left my bed today has been to get some crap to eat from the shop. And by crap I mean crisps and chocolate obviously, good crap that has made me feel sick so that now I can concentrate on the tummy ache I have rather than the fact I have received zilch by way of valentines attention.

I have been meaning to update this blog for a few days now as I have had a bit of news regarding all three of the men that are currently 'not' in my life at the moment.

We'll start with M, the guy that I slept with 5 months ago but haven't actually seen since. Every time I think that I'll never see him again he gets in touch. Its really strange. Anyway, last monday, around 1am I got a text saying "Hello are you out tonight? Fancy a shag?" Haha, how lovely! I like that he is straight to the point though, out of all the men I have known recently he is the only one that I am 100% sure of where I stand with him. I like that. I told him I was already in bed but had not been feeling well that day and so didn't think it was the best idea but maybe another night and he just text back, "yeh, giz a text".
I thought about it the next day and my friends said that they thought I should get in touch with him as some sex would do me good. They are probably right but I really don't know how to just ask for sex and it would make me feel a bit cheap. I know that I'm not the most attractive girl in the world but I'm also not the least and so surely I don't need to ask for sex?
This didn't stop me from thinking about texting him all day tuesday and wednesday though. I decided against it. However, I woke up in the middle of the night on wednesday and there was a text from him saying "how about tonight then? :P" I didn't reply until the morning when I said sorry, I had been aslepp but what was he up to that night. This was me putting myself out there, I thought if I asked him what he was up to then that would lead into me telling him I was free and therefore available for some casual sex. Did he reply? Did he bollocks! So, I don't know when I'll hear from him again but I know that I definitly will hear from him again.

The next one is of course W. I know that I have been promising to tell you more about W for a long time and so I'll try and do it briefly now. He was my high school boyfriend. My first kiss, my first love and of course the first boy that I slept with. We always had a fairly explosive relationship though. We irritate the hell out of each other and that never changes. We were together through school (on and off) but then in college we decided that we should definitely not be together and he went to a different college to me and we tried to get on with our lives and make new friends as we remained friends with each other. Not long into this I met N, the boy who was to be the second person I fell in love with. As soon as I met N I told him that I had a best friend called W who was also an ex and introduced them to each other. Perhaps obviously, they didn't get on with each other. They hated each other. W started to tell me he had made a huge mistake, that he'd always loved me and begged me to stop seeing N. At the time I saw this as a turning point in my life; I could either continue to let W rule my life and do exactly what he wanted or I could give the new guy a chance and see where that led. I stuck with N and ended up being with him for the next five years. I gradually lost touch with W as it was impossible for us to be friends with each other in that situation.
Around 6 months after splitting with N I got a message on Myspace (remember myspace?) from W asking how I was - it was so out of the blue, I hadn't seen or heard from him in around 3 years. We exchanged a few messages and then ended up going for a drink and to cut a long story short we became friends again and now its three years on from that. It has been an up and down three years though as we still care a lot for each other, are still attracted to each other and still irritate the hell out of each other. We do still sleep together on occasion, and last night I slept with him for the second time so far this year.

Since new year I havent really seen him, apart from the other week, I bumped into him in a bar and it was fairly awkward. So, the other day I got a text from him asking if I fancied meeting for a quick drink when we both finished work and I have been thinking about texting him myself anyway and so thought, yeah why not. We went out, actually caught up properly for a change and it was really nice. I was cross with myself though because after a couple of drinks I asked if he wanted to come back to mine and he said no! I felt stupid. Rejection is embarrassing. He did say that he was out over the weekend though and that he hoped to see me. So yesterday, I was working in the bar and I didnt finish until 4 but when I got my phone at the end he called twice and texted to ask if I wanted to meet up. I text him back telling him sorry but I'd been working and that I hoped he'd had a good night. He rang me back saying he was still up and did I want a visit. I said yes. We did sleep together and it wasn't really worth it to be honest but in the back of my head I was thinking that the next day was valentines day and wouldn't it be nice to wake up with somebody and have a chat in bed rather than alone as usual. Well, I woke up - after only being asleep for 2 hours and he jumped out of bed and said he needed to go as he was busy today! So I didnt get what I wanted anyway. It was probably naive of me to think that I'd be able to spend a nice valentines day morning curled up in bed with a guy. You must read this and think that I'm an idiot. Its ok, I know that I'm an idiot.

So this leaves J doesn't it? Well a few of weeks ago, as I said at the time, I bumped into him and didn't really feel anything. It was still awkward though and that annoyed me. We do still have to work together and it bugs me that before christmas and the kiss he used to actually kiss my arse, he was always telling me how special, beautiful, amazing I was and now I get nothing. I decided I should try to make friends with him again to try and wipe out this awkwardness. He is always on facebook on an evening and so after thinking about it for a few days/hours, I tried to initiate a conversation on facebook chat. I just said, hi, hows things, we havent spoken in ages. I got no reply! (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I felt a bit upset and disappointed as I thought again that I had put myself out there and had been ignored.

Around three days after that I saw him again. I was at work waiting for my friend Alice to finish as we were going for a drink and he was the member of staff coming to relieve her. He walked in looking hotter than ever, bloody typical! He was wearing glasses and I've never seen him wearing glasses before, he looked really fucking good! He walks in anyway and gave a girl at the bar who used to work there a big hug, and then the manager, and then spoke to them two for five minutes. I was only sat maybe 2 metres from them all but he said nothing to me at all until he got behind the bar when he came over and said that I'd tried talking to him on facebook when he was asleep. I tried to cover up my embarrassment by saying I just hadnt seen him in a while and so had wondered how he was. He asked me how I was and commented on something I'd mentioned in a facebook status, thereby revealing that he pays attention to what I put in my updates and that was it. I left with Alice and myself and J had at least spoken more than we had done since the kiss but it was still deffo awkward.

Five days later we were finally working a shift together, something that hasn't happened since christmas. As I walked past him he had his arm in the air to high five me. This annoyed me! It was as though he had finially decided that he was ready to be my friend again and quit being awkward and dick-like. I just asked him what his arm was doing in the air and he grabbed me, hugged me and told me he thought my hai$r looked nice. (I've recently coloured it from brown to red). I told him that I'd done it to cheer myself up but he commented that he thought I was doing really well at the moment and said he knows this because he "incessantly stalks me on facebook". WTF?? I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that but I just walked away. Later on I realised perhaps I'd been a bit harsh and so tried to be nicer to him. I asked him if things with him were ok and he said yeah and then I mentioned that perhaps we need to re-establish our friendship and that we should do something fun one night. He agreed straight away and said we should go bowling and he said that he would let me know a night.

The next night he was in work drinking and said that he would like to go bowling the following monday and so I said that was perfect. Monday came, did I hear from him?? Did I buggery!! Tuesday I popped in work for a quick drink and he was there. Clearly we both knew that we'd agreed to go bowling and that it hadn't happened and so I thought that we could either be awkward with each other for another two weeks or I could confront him about it. I confronted him. I told him he was rubbish and he denied arranging Monday but said we could do something the next day. Wednesday came, I never heard from him and then I called him. No answer! I know his phone is broken so there wasnt a point texting him but thought he'd ring me back. He didnt. What a loser! I don't know why he doesnt want to be my friend!! I have decided to force him to be my friend and on thursday went to work to see him and tell him again he's rubbish but that I had decided to stalk him until he's my friend again. He laughed and said he was glad I'd gone to see him and to be honest I felt a lot more comfortable with him after just speaking to him normally. I think I'll continue to do this and see where it gets me. I know I sound like a loser, and a stalker. I do still like him though. Fuck knows why.