News....

Went out on Friday night and finally kissed a new boy :) And when I say boy, I mean boy. He was 6 years younger than me :s

He was quite good looking though but to be fair I didnt really fancy him and knew it wouldn't lead to anything.

Was out with a friend and we were ambushed, it was quite funny really. We went out just the two of us for a girly catch up which was nice and then towards the end of the night two guys came over and sat next to us as though they were just minding their own business and then one of them turns to me and says that him and his friend had been having a debate - his mates girlfriend had recently bought a new dress but it didnt look good on her, should he tell her? Apparently this is a true story but it was obvious they just wanted to talk to us. As I was engaged in conversation a third guy sat down right opposite my mate, obviously wanting to talk to her, and there we were - ambushed by three young men! It was sweet really.

Although the cutest one of the three had a girlfriend, the one next to me despite being beautiful was really arrogant and the third was after my mate (who has a boyfriend). Anyway, we all chatted politely and then it came to home time. Realised the lads lived really close to me and so asked them to walk me home as it was practically on their way. They agreed. Note, I wouldnt usually let strange boys walk me home but they'd been quite genuine and I trusted my instincts. Plus, I really didnt want to draw another tenner out of the bank.

So on the way home, the other lads ended up ahead of me and so it was just the beautiful arrogant one left. It turns out he was quite sweet deep down really, we were talking about pulling and being single and he was saying that he didnt want his mates to think he was a fanny but really he didnt want to sleep with girls that he didnt think something of any more than I wanted to sleep with randomers. Whether this was a line or not I dont know but I took him as being serious. However then he said to me that it was obvious him and his mates had only come over to talk to my mate and not me and did it ever get me down that my mate was clearly fitter than me.

Now, I know thats probably going to sound shocking but he actually hit the nail on the head. This has been the story of my life. Boys coming over to chat my mate up rather than me. And that isnt just me feeling sorry for myself, it is actually true. I think it is just because she is better looking than me, rather than it being a reflection of my own looks because I never fare badly for attention when I'm out with different people. Anyway, then we were talking he told me he thought I was cool, he took me home and then we said bye. He turned around after he'd started walking away though and said that he should at least get a kiss goodbye and so we had a bit of a hasty snog in the middle of the road. He wasn't a good kisser but not to worry, I wasn't going to see him again.

So thats that. Ok, not the best story in the world but at least its some news, things have been a bit bleak on the man gossip front of late and so it was nice to actually talk to someone different.

With regards to J, well I still havent seen him and so theres nothing to report but I know that I still really like him as I still think about him a lot. I sort of swing from feeling like I'm pleased I don't see him anymore as thats the best thing for me to still wanting to tell him that he led me on and was unfair, to then wanting to at least establish some sort of friendship with the guy again - cos I did think we were friends. But maybe not hey?

A good sign?

Saw J for the first time in 2 weeks and didnt really feel anything. We barely spoke again which made me think that he is definitley a twat but I never thought 'phwoar' or anything, or want to engage in conversation with him. At least I thought I didnt. When I left the bar I just thought maybe I should get over it, send him a message saying something along the lines of "long time no see" and try arrange a meet up but then thought maybe I should just stay cold turkey??

Other than that I really have nothing else to say as have not real social life to speak of at the moment and never see any guys. As soon as I have something worth saying on the romance front you will be the first to know! :)

Yawn yawn yawn!

I know that I probably shouldn't post when I have nothing to say but I still cant help myself.

There is still no news on the man front in any way, shape or form.

However, went on a work night out yesterday which was good (J and L were both working so didn't have to worry about any awkwardness in that department) and somehow a conversation started with one of the guys from work about being single and he said that if I've been single for three and a half years then it must be my own choice?!? Err....as if!!

Where the hell do people get this idea from that if your single for any length of time then the only possible explanation can be because you want to be?

How about we try that I never meet anyone, nobody ever asks me out and on the rare occasions I do find someone that I quite fancy the feelings are not mutual??

So then I explained this to the guy and he said "hmm...do you ever think that you are unapproachable?" to which I reposnded "Are you trying to say I'm unapproachable" to which he responded..."well yeah".

I was shocked! And a bit upset to be honest. I've always considered myself a very friendly and open person and always talk to everyone. I definitly do not think I'm unapproachable. But then if a guy thinks I am then maybe he's right?

Nothing to report

So nothing has happened in the last few days - man wise I mean, its not that I have a sad an empty life, contrary to what this blog might suggest but I won't bore you with the ins and outs of my life, this blog is for my love life alone.

I have no love life.


Which probably means I shouldn't be writing anything at all.

However, I shall plod along. I went out with some girls the other night, unsurprisingly we did not meet or chat to any men. We were way too wasted for that. We were probably the losers you avoid due to all the drunken staggering and crazy dancing. Not to mention the vomitting. That wasn't me by the way.

I was talking to Alice yesterday and said I was surprised I'd not heard from W this week but then two hours later he text asking if I was out. He'll keep doing this now for the next few weeks until I give in and see him or shout at him and tell him to leave me alone. Then there'll be a three month gap and the cycle will start again. I do want to be his friend though, I just wish that he would at least just call and say 'hi' and ask how things are.

Not heard anything from M either which is strange. Its like a week since he text me and I really thought he would have been in touch. Maybe next week?

Not really been in work much this week and so havent seen J which is doing my sanity the world of good. I am barely thinking about him. Ok, well that might not be true, but I am hardly obsessive at the moment and I do think I feel quite chilled about it which proves that if I didnt work with him I would easily get over it. I am a little worried about saturday though because our shifts are overlapping, well he finishes when I start so I'll definitley see him. I know that we will probably just say hi to each other in passing and then he'll leave but I think even that will be enough to upset me/stress me out. Ah well, I'll deal with it when it happens and then I can go back to forgetting about him.

No gossip

I have nothing new to report but still felt obliged to post.

Have heard nothing from W, M never did add me on facebook or text me again?

And as for J, well I'm still using my plan of not going into work incase I bump into him cos if I don't see him then he can't mess with my head.

The only real news I do have tonight is that I made egg fried rice for the first time today and was surprised at how nice it was. However, next time I think I'll use more egg.

Feeling good

Hey, so today I'm feeling much better and even have a new bit of man gossip that...shock horror!....doesnt involve J!

Well, this wouldnt really be a proper Ruby blog post if I didnt mention J now would it? So lets get that out of the way first!

I am feeling pretty good about him today. I think that if my friend is right and he does def know that I like him then he definitely definitely is a dick. Without a doubt. And if it really is that obvious to everyone that I like him then I need to chill out a bit round him and be cooler. But I dont feel stressed and I'm putting that down to the fact I havent seen him for a few days and so he hasn't been able to screw with my head. I checked the rota for the next week too and none of our shifts overlap which is great because I wont see him next week either.

Ok, moving on. I told you that W text me the other night, well he text me last night too! He just wanted to see if I was out and I told him no because I was working and I do find it annoying that he doesnt even ask how I am but hey, in a way its nice to know that he's thinking of me but pfft...I'm not interested.

Also, I got another text last night from a guy! I was really surprised. He's called M and he was the first guy that I ever met in a club and brought back with me for a one night stand. I have always sort of thought I wasn't that kind of girl but in September I met him and I just thought, fuck it, why shouldnt I have some fun? It wasn't my first one night stand, obviously but it was the first time it was with someone who I had literally just met or that wasn't a friend of a friend.

After the 'one night stand' we met up a few weeks later and did it again and then there were a few incidences where we were texting but then never actually met up. Then I met J, fell for him, and thought the last thing I wanted to do was have meaningless sex with somebody else, I didnt think it would make me feel any better about myself or the situation. So, the next few times M called I ignored him and text saying I wasn't interested in meeting up. This was probably in the beginning or mid December? I was quite rude to him though and I really didn't think that I'd hear from him again. When he text yesterday I was really surprised! It was a sweet text too, asked how I was, how my xmas was and that he had never caught my last name to add me on facebook. This was the thing about M actually. He always was quite sweet without it being sappy or sleazy. It was just that at the time we didnt really know each other or want anything from it. I still wouldn't want anything from him but its nice to know that even after all this time he is still thinking about me. And, that even if J doesnt want me, W and M clearly think I'm attractive so its not like I'm without options. This has been an ego boost.

Oh and me and a friend have organised a night out on friday so we can look pretty and dress up and dance, but we're going to go to a gay bar so we have no male distractions. Something to look forward to hey?

Bored

I'm bored of talking about J and thinking about J. I'm sure your bored of hearing about him too.

A friend has just been around and she seems to think that there is something there between us but said that just incase I really need to protect myself from getting hurt and be a bit more chilled about it all and so I'm going to focus on being a sane person again; talking and thinking about him less and then hopefully I'll move on. Especially because I know deep down that I am too good for him.

W, the ex from new year text me last night cos he was out and drunk and wanted to hook up. I couldnt be bothered. He text me already tonight asking if I'm going out for a friends birthday night out and I'm not. I really don't know what his sudden interest is, prior to new year I hadn't heard from him for like 2 months. Anyway, I really can't be bothered to talk about him right now. I want to put my party face on and get ready for work. If I look beautiful on the outside it might help me feel beautiful on the inside.

Put him out of your mind....

.....This is what all my friends keep telling me to do. I know they're right because theres nothing I can do to solve the situation and its just getting me down but its not really easy to not think about someone is it?

I still feel annoyed with him, and I dont want to think about him but I really can't help it. What makes it worse is that every friend that I speak to has a different view on the situation and so I convince myself of one thing and then someone says something that contradicts it and Im thinking something else again. Argh!

A friend text me this morning and she said that she'd been speaking to her boyfriend about it all and he said that he doesnt think that J would kiss me the way he did unless he actually liked me. However he also said that this doesnt mean J doesnt like L. Confusing eh?

I just feel like last night he must've been trying to prove a point by not talking to me, to make sure I didnt get the 'wrong idea' about a drunken snog. Orrrrrr he just actually felt awkward too and doesnt know what to do next either?? Except for the fact that boys dont think that way do they?

No, I was right the first time. He knows that he shouldnt have kissed me but because he's a boy he feels the only way to make sure I know where I stand is not to talk to me until I get the idea.

So, now I just need to wait until I get over it. It helps that I think he's a twat now.

Apart from the fact I don't think he's a twat bviously. Well I kind of do but I just don't want to believe it. It means that every conversation we have had hasn't been genuine and that he really has been playing me and I seriously thought that he was a genuinely lovely guy. But then I guess how many genuinely guys are there out there? Not many!

Sorry, I do realise that this is the most boring blog ever. But thats ok because nobody reads it and it does help me to organise my thoughts.

Ugh

There was a staff meeting at work tonight and I knew J was going to be there which was sucky, I knew that I just had to go in, be normal and cool and act as though nothing had happened and I'd be ok. The worry was that despite knowing this, I would freak out upon seeing him and get all nervous and awkward. Luckily that did not happen; he however barely spoke to me. Bloody twat.

So I walked in and he was like "Hi Rub's" (I hate that variation on my name btw!) and then I asked him if he was ok and he just wouldn't engage in conversation. Not that I pushed it like but at least I tried. Anyway; after the meeting everyone had a quick drink together in the bar and he didn't come over or anything. Considering he is usually telling me how beautiful I am/amazing I am/how much he loves me I thought this was weird, especially seeing as spent his time talking to someone I know for a fact does his head in. The worst part is that despite him not being his usual self with me, he didnt actually completely ignore me so its not even as though I can pull him up on it. The result is that the knob has clearly made me feel really down and rubbish about myself. I really wish I didnt like him and that I don't have to work with him. Seeing him and hearing about him all the damn time does not help me to move on.


Oh, one last thing. I was talking to a girl from work about the whole situation today and she was convinced he knows that I like him. Thats really bad. The way she said it, it seemed like she knew for a fact that somebody had told him (maybe even she had?). That just makes everything worse, if he def knows that I like him then he has no right whatsoever saying the things he does and definitely no right kissing me. See; he's a prick and I deserve better.

No progress...

Hey, so I went to a party tonight knowing that L was going to be there so that I could hopefully get a chance to talk to her about J and see where we both stand on the situation but she turned up around three hours later than I did and she was really drunk and so that never happened. Gah! I want this to be over now. I dont want to like him. I dont want to care about whats going on with him and L; infact I really dont care whether I see him again or not, it would be easier if I didnt!!

...although we all know that isnt the case. I do like him, and I have to see him again. And L too and I'm not even one fucking inch closer to knowing where I stand with either of them.

I guess one good thing did come of tonight and that was the "top five" conversation, you know.... whos your top five at work?? And anyway, I know that Im not the most attractive girl at work but we were talking about it and I was saying "well I know that I'm not in anyones top five but..." and then one of the lads jumped in with "yeah whatever...what about J?" and when I asked what he was talking about he said "well you know, you and J at New Year....."

If I'm honest, I really dont know what happened with me and J at New Year that has sparked these rumours...certainly nothing that I can remember. Other than J being his usual charming bastard self but thats what he does with everyone. However, the guy at the party is the second to ask what was going on with me and J at New Year so maybe theres something I've forgotten? Or maybe its a perfect example of how rumours can be spread at work with no real truth to them? Meaning that perhaps there isnt anything going on with J and L after all??

Ugh...this is exhausting! I'm getting bored of it which means that you must be too! Sorry.

Still confused

I'm still confused about this kiss with J the other night. I wish I could be more laid back and just not think about it but as much as I tell myself not to worry about it, it just makes it worse. My friend, Alice, said that I should just view it as a drunken snog that didnt mean anything and move on. If only it were that easy hey?

I was thinking earlier though, surely the ideal situation we're all waiting for is the time you meet a guy, decide you like him, flirt a bit, the flirting builds up and then eventually you kiss and its exciting and amazing because thats what you've been waiting for!? Why can't I just be pleased and see what pans out next?

Well, I think its because of the L factor. Especially seeing as L is a friend and we both know that we both like him. And of course the many many rumours that have been going around work about J and L. Talking to some of my girlfriends tonight they seem to think that I just need to sit down and lay my cards on the table with L because I would want her to be honest with me, and then we'll both know where we both stand. I think they're right but thats going to be a horrible conversation.

Both my friends tonight seem to think that he could be a player. I wish I didnt like him. Life is so much easier when you dont like someone. I guess I cant help my feelings though hey?

Ok so he kissed me, but is it really a big deal?

Ok, I have calmed down and sobered up now and can explain more about what happened last night.

Well it was the night out and J and L didnt turn up until the last hour because they'd been at work but when J got there he was his usual charming self, he bought me a drink and we chatted briefly about our nights then I spent a bit of time talking to L because I feel as though since we both realised that we both like J we haven't been as close. So after about an hour the bar we were in closed and seeing as it was 3am we realised that we had to go home. Quite a few were all staying at our staff house and it looked to me as though I should just get a cab home by myself but J adament that I wasn't getting in a cab on my own and flagged one down for us and said we'd share. In the cab I thanked him and he said that of course he wasnt gonna let me go home by myself and that I was one of the people that he loved most at work. I reminded him that he likes everyone, yes he's one of those charming guys that is like best mates with everybody. He agreed that he did like everyone but said that I was different and that even his Mum, who I havent met, loved me?!?

At this point I was starting to get a bit annoyed because this is a typical example of this charm and cheesey lines, he says this sort of thing all the time and because I like him it screws with my head. I know he only says it to be nice but I do think its a bit misleading. I told him he shouldn't be saying things like that, and he was like yeah but my Mum does love you, she's always asking how you are and if I've seen you at work. I reminded him that we don't actually ever work together and again started to tell him that I think he leads me on but then I realised I was too drunk to be able to articulate what I wanted to say properly in the time I had and so told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation at that time but that he shouldn't be saying that sort of thing. Then the taxi pulled up outside my house, he asked when I was next in work and then we both leaned in to kiss goodbye (we have kissed on the lips before to say goodbye) but then it was an actual proper kiss, with tongues and everything!! I couldn't believe it!! He was a good kisser actually but I really wish I hadn't had that horrible dry gross mouth thing that happens when you've been out drinking :s

Then that was that, it wasn't a long kiss but it was long enough, I opened my door and started freaking out and he got his taxi home. I havent heard from him since but then I'm not sure why I would've done. And now I don't know what to do or what to make of it??

We were both drunk, but he was coherent, its not like he was wasted. But what if he just kisses lots of girls and really doesnt see it as a big deal? What I'm most scared of is that I might have been drunker than I realised and that I inadvertently forced myself on him and he kissed me because it would have been ruder to push me away?? Shit. If thats the case then thats quite bad. What if he tasted my grotty drunk mouth? Shit. That would be bad too.

I have spent most of today thinking about it (obviously) and I have convinced myself that he couldnt have possibly kissed me just because he liked me. I'm not sure why though. Well I guess I do know why...things like that just don't happen to me. It has actually been a matter of years since I've been in the situation where I really like a guy and I've wanted them to kiss me..and then its happened. I have fancied the pants of J since the moment I saw him and the more I have got to know him the more I've liked him. Surely it couldn't be possible that he would actually like me too?? Could it?

Freaking Out!!!

This is exactly the reason I need a blog!!! I am totally freaking out!!! J just kissed me!!! As in it was an actual kiss!! a real fucking snog!!! I cannot believe it. And I have nobody to talk to. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!

He said his mum loved me. THen I got out of the taxi and that was it. What the fuck. I dont even know what to say. shit. Maybe I should talk rationally tomorrow.

Ugh. Argh!!! Argh!!!! Boo!!!

3rd of Jan....still no man gossip!

Ok, I didnt really expect to have found the man of my dreams so early in the year, especially seeing as I've only left the house to go to work but a girl can hope eh?

Saw J at work briefly last night and even that was enough to make me feel a bit fluttery inside. I realise that I sound like a lunatic but its just not that easy to get over someone even when you want to. One of my good friends seems to think that a good way to deal with it will be to just tell him that I like him and then he can give me a straight answer and I can move on. Also he would perhaps stop flirting so much. I really dont think that I can face that conversation though...ewww....cringe!!

Theres a staff night out tonight with work so I'm hoping that will be good. I plan to get dolled up and feel fabulous and enjoy myself. J wont be there as he's working but he's on shift with L :( Anyway, its prob a good thing that neither of them are there as I wont be watching them wherever they are and I can just get on and enjoy my night. That or I'll stand there all night wondering if they'll show up once work has closed. Grr, I hate being a mental female! I'll just enjoy my night for a change eh??

Ok, so I suppose I should give you a bit of back story. I've been single since October 2006, and I'd been with the guy for 5 years so it was pretty tough going to get over him. However it was for the best and I know that I definitley learnt things from the relationship and I feel like I am stronger and more self aware for it.

Since then I've not really had much interest from guys. Ok, well not serious interest anyway. There doesnt seem to be a shortage of men that would like to take me home from nightclubs (not that I let them!) but nobody actually wants to take me out, get to know me better etc etc.

I am usually pretty picky...I have a list and everything...but its not often that I meet anyone that comes close. I guess I do meet lots of guys, well I work in a bar so its inevitable, however theres never really any quality to the guys that I do meet - I hope that doesnt sound pretentious because I promise you that I'm not. So, yeah I meet guys but I very rarely meet anyone I'm interested in. Sometimes I meet guys that I fancy but I know that I wouldn't want to get in a relationship with them...not that that makes a difference though because they never want to know anyway.

I needed to write about how picky I am because then you'll understand how its quite strange for me to actually really like someone. I like someone. We'll call him J. Its a guy from work and I am quite nutsy about him at the moment, and he doesnt even meet all the things on my list! When I first met him I actually thought that he might like me too but to cut a long story short (for now) he doesnt and now apparently has a something going on with a good friend of mine. What that is though I'm not sure as I darent ask my friend, L, about it. So, thats getting me down. I'm really hoping soon that this crush on J will fizzle out.

Last night I was working, so J was there, he is one of those charming guys that like to make every girl feel special (how annoying) so he was feeding me all his lines and that just got me on a bit of a downer and so when an ex (from years ago) called me for a booty call I decided that it was probably best to go home with someone rather than no-one, what with it being NYE and all, and so stupidly and drunkenly let him come over. The ex in question, W, is a very complicated ex and so I'll save all that for another time.

So anyways, thats where I am at the moment. I woke up this morning feeling down about J still, not really feeling anything about W and have spent the entire day moping around the house with not a lot to do and not really knowing how to organise my thoughts. I did call my friend, Alice, earlier and to be honest she never indulges me when I'm moping about J and she basically told me to ride it out as I'm bound to be over it in a few months.

Thats where I'm up to at the moment anyway. Its new years day and I've just sat in the house on my own, in my PJ's all day and done nothing but think about boys following a night of sex with an ex (urgh, I must sound like a dreadful tart). The year can only improve from this point man-wise eh?

Happy 2010...will I meet the man of my dreams this year?

So, here goes, the start of another year hey? Every year I wonder if this will be the one in which I meet the man of my dreams and will be whisked off my feet and treat like a princess by the guy that I am completely and utterly in love with forever more. However, so far this has not been the case. Maybe in 2010 eh?

I have decided to keep a blog on the ups and downs of my single life to have an outlet really because I think I drive my friends mad as I'm one of those who just cant keep my feelings in, I need to vocalise everything and understandably those around me get sick of hearing it.

Also, I think it will help to keep myself grounded; if I'm writing everything down then surely I will realise how ridiculous and irrational I sound when I am trying to convince myself that a guy I like actually likes me...or when I'm making excuses for why a guy hasn't called etc...you get the picture.

Anyway, thats the gist of why I'm doing this. I'm not trying to be funny or original (probably a good thing seeing as its doubtful anyone will read it) I'm doing it for myself more than anything so here goes nothing....wish me luck...the man of my dreams could be in 2010!!